भय-2

परत दर परत, कुहरे सा
छा गया है उदासी मेरे परित:
कोई हौले से कह गया कानों में
बस ख़त्म ही हुआ चाहती है
पूंजी जीवन की...

एक अनाहुत ज्ञान के दंश से
शून्य हुआ जाता हूँ
कि, भेदता इस उदास शून्यत्त्व को
एक क्षीण आह्वान!
कदाचित् तुमने पुकारा है!

काँप जाती है ज्यों
बुझते दिए की तेज होती लौ-
किसी असंभाव्य के घटने की आशा में-
सिहर-सिहर उठता है मन
(स्नेह बंधन में मृत्यु की सार्थकता पर?)

प्रिय देखो-
तुम्हारे स्नेहपूर्ण अस्तित्व और
मेरी क्षमाशील स्वीकृति में
आती है कृतग्य मृत्यु!

(३ अक्टूबर, १९९४)

भय

भय एक दर्द सा
कौंधता है सीने में
फैल जाता है, पूरे शरीर पर.
धरा रह जाता है
अभ्यास सारा, निरपेक्ष रहने का.
सारे दिन की हँसी निगल जाती है रात.
यह अंधेरे का आतंक है
या असमर्थता की अनुभूति?

ऐसा क्यों होता है कि
रात के अकेलेपन में
न खोए हुए प्रेम को रो पाता हूँ
न मिले हुए स्नेह को स्वीकार!
दिन के उजाले के सत्य को
नकार देती है रात.

बारह बजने वाले हैं प्रिय
फिर आनी है सुबह
(दुहराने, यातना की यह दिनचर्या)
हताश, चेष्टा करता हूँ सोने की.

(१२ सितम्बर, १९९७)

In God' Defence

One who says he does not believe in God appeals to the most refined senses in us. More often than not an atheist has a very simple and strong logic to support his belief: he does not want to live his entire life with such a profound lie as God and the whole edifice founded on His existence. This logic can not be faulted. If there is no god, a life based on Him is a condemned life!

If you ask me, non-existence of God is the best revealed secret of modern time. We all know this. We live with this painful truth without arguing, without complaining!
Geeta says , “ना सतो विद्यते भावो, नाभावो विद्यते सत: “, meaning essentially that whatever exists needs no proof (its abundance, obviousness is its proof). With these words, Geeta finally puts paid to any hope of resurrecting Him by humanity. He is finished, dead, gone for good.

Its heartwrenching, living in a world where there is no God. Where death is final and virtues and sins are merely words! As if its not bad enough, they come to us with their strong egos and poorly hid faith, claiming their superiority over us for having known that God does not exist! They say they are superior to us for they have renounced someone/something that never existed. And here we are-inferior because of our stubbornness in refusing to let Him go out of our life! We are weak because we would never brace ourselves to say, "Ok, so now we are strong and wise and we don’t need you and so we abandon you!"
Such vanity! Such selfishness! Such a crooked sense of victory and joy in the unmanly act of deserting, now that He is no longer useful!

I have strong issues with atheism and God is one of them.

ek anaam bhajan

Last recording of this series. Its a bhajan my late father used to recite, especially when he was ill or bit down. So, I kind of grew up with this- he did not keep a good health and was seriously ill three-four times during our childhood. I was actually scared of it when I was still a kid because of ( I now know) the connotation I always attached (father's illness). Even when I grew up and understood the meaning of this beautiful (what my mother calls) 'nirgun', it still had that tinge of darkness that only a realization of death can impart to man's words. I sort of love it, in the same fatalistic way someone passively waits and relishes one's end. Its absolute surrender of a person who has seen his end and then calls Him-not necessarilyy for life but for forgiveness. "hey govind raakhu sharan, ab to jeevan haare!" I dont know the poet but I have definitely seen it on Doordarshan. Was it Peenaz singing the bhajan? Not sure. And if I correctly remember, she sang two more lines one of which credits Meera as the poet. Again, not sure. The language and tone, as I remember this bhajan, do not belong to Meera.

खुदा की खुदाई

बंज़ारानामा के अतिरिक्त, नज़ीर की आदमीनामा, रोटी, बचपन, आदि नज़्म काफ़ी चर्चित रही हैं और मुझे भी प्रिय हैं. किंतु एक और नज़्म मुझे सदा से अद्भुत लगी है-शायद 'खुदा की खुदाई' के नाम से. इसे भी अपने आइ-पॉड के लिए किया था, दुष्यंत की कुछ ग़ज़लों और एक अनाम भजन के संग. एक बार फिर, अपनी धृष्टता के लिए क्षमा प्रार्थना सहित.

बंज़ारानामा

नज़ीर का बंज़ारानामा मेरी टूटी फूटी आवाज़ में. कृपया तस्वीरों को नज़रअंदाज़ कर दें और आवाज़ को भी. जो मायने रखता है उस पर ही ध्यान दें. मुझे ये लिखने से आसान लगा. वैसे भी ये मैने अपने आइ-पॉड के लिए किया था लेकिन चूँकि इस ब्लॉग साइट पर ऑडियो अपलोड नहीं कर सकते तो ये वीडियो के रूप में डालना पड़ा.

The Wasted Vigil by Nadeem Aslam

'Her mind is a haunted house'.
This is how the story begins. This certainly is a story of a haunted land with ghosts walking all around you once you enter that land. The distinction between living and dead is feeble, if any at all. I will not be surprised if you dont find any living person at all. Forget human beings, even animals and birds and butterflies are not real. All ghosts. Dead fragrances and dead feelings. Dead hopes and dead aspirations.
Aslam is like Mahabharat's Sanjay, aimlessly roaming around among the deads in the field of Kurukshetra. Or, may be, a powerful cruel magician who brings the dead to life for a while- summoning the souls who come spellbound to narrate the stories of thier misfortune, struggle and defeat. Not that it matters much- their individual petty tragedies. What actually frightens the readers-the unfortunate traveller to the haunted land- is the realization of millions of echoes, that the stories of pain and defeat and attempts at failed survivals produce. The cold still wind, the dark night, the morning sunbeams all carrying their million voices, whispering in your ears-its my story.
Aslam, the powerful, malevolent magician that he is, produces some of the strongest delusions to keep us moving around this dreadful journey. Only when we are near the end of our nightmarish journey, does he release us from his spell and we realize how acutely we want to run away from this place. Alas! The damage is done already. We come back but carrying the curse that every traveller to that land of the dead has to live with for the rest of their life. The curse of having to go through the pain that the ghosts went through- to suffer the agony and bitterness and a feeling of losing everything. Realization that there is basically little difference between life and death. Worse still, experiencing life itself gradually turning to death. Realizing that they never actually got out of the land- that they are carrying a part of the land with them.. inside them!

Mind is a haunted house!